Those of us who drive have all taken and passed road tests, where we learned all sorts of rules governing how we’re supposed to behave when driving on public roads. Yet many who commute regularly (I log 90 or more minutes a day, 5 days a week, on the highways of NYC’s outer boroughs) can feel enormously frustrated by the behavior of the drivers with whom we interact. Three decades of driving, observing, pondering and commenting (often loudly, often colorfully) around New York City and its suburbs have provided me with a trove of experiences, and led me to distill all one needs to know to get along with one’s fellow drivers down to two basic rules:
- Get the [redacted] out of the way.
- Wait your [redacted] turn.
Most people know, at least in theory, that the left lane is the passing lane, intended for overtaking slower traffic but not for steady travel, unless traffic volume suggests otherwise. Yet how often have you witnessed a long procession of cars clogging the left lane, with a single parade leader at the front and open road ahead of him? Have you ever had to pass someone on the right, because he’s driving slower than everyone else and is oblivious to the congestion he’s causing? It’s certainly frustrating, and it’s certainly more dangerous than passing as we’ve all been taught to (on the left).
Perhaps, on the other hand, you’re one of those folks who believes the speed limit is the speed limit, that you’re perfectly entitled to be in the left lane if you’re adhering to the letter of the law, and that anyone who wants to go faster is in the wrong. The laws regarding “keep right” vary state-by-state, and if you want to be one of those people, stop reading, go stand in front of a mirror, and call yourself [redacted]. Once you’re back, lets review two points. One, you’re not an active duty police officer, enforcement is not your job. Two, your belligerent clogging of the left lane, even if you pretend it’s about slowing everyone down to keep them safe, is nothing more than passive-aggressiveness. Get over yourself. Get the [redacted] out of the way.
Then there are the folks who, if they get into a fender bender with another car, insist on staying right where they are, left lane, center lane, right lane, and waiting for the police to “witness” the circumstances. Well, guess what? The first thing the cops will tell you is to get your cars off the road and onto the median. It’ll be obvious from the damage to your cars who was where, and since the police didn’t witness the actual accident, all they’re going to do is take everyone’s account, note the damage and file a report. Staying on the road not only creates traffic jams, it’s dangerous for you and for others. Get the [redacted] out of the way.
Want it simpler? If you are in the left lane, there is a line of cars behind you and open road in front of you, you’re wrong, get out of the way. If you are in the left lane and three cars pass you on the right within two minutes, you’re wrong, get out of the way. If you’ve bumped another car and are waiting for police, get the [redacted] out of the way. If someone wants to go faster than you, let him. You don’t know him from Adam, it’s not a personal affront to your driving prowess, you have no idea why he wants to go faster than you (perhaps he’s got an emergency, perhaps he’s a cop, perhaps he’s just a yahoo), and he’s going to get around you at some point anyway and disappear from your life. Get the [redacted] out of the way.
The other rule, related to getting out of the way, is waiting your turn. This one manifests more when traffic is heavy. Suppose you’re merging onto a fast-moving highway from an on ramp. Have a little respect for the on-coming traffic. Wait for enough of an opening to accelerate up to speed without forcing others to slam the brakes. Wait your turn. Conversely, if you’re in the right lane, someone’s merging in ahead of you, and you speed up and flash your lights so that you can get ahead of him, you’re wrong, let him merge, wait your [redacted] turn. This is also true in other lanes. If you’re cruising in the left lane, you’ve got several car lengths open in front of you, and someone puts his signal on to lane change in front of you, don’t accelerate to lock him out. Don’t be that guy. Wait your [redacted] turn. If you’re waiting to make a left turn at a red light, and when the light turns green you leap ahead of oncoming traffic, you’re wrong. Next time, wait your [redacted] turn. If you’re merging onto a bumper-to-bumper congested highway, know this: studies have found that traffic flows smoothest in such situations when you go to the end of the on ramp before merging. Once there, alternate. Don’t crowd in behind the car merging in ahead of you. If you’re in the right lane already, don’t crowd out the merging cars. Don’t be an ass, wait your [redacted] turn.
These rules by themselves will not resolve all that’s wrong with drivers and driving. As George Carlin noted, anyone who’s driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone who’s driving faster than you is a maniac. There will always be jackasses. There will always be people who drive recklessly, who cut others off, who don’t wait their [redacted]ing turn. There will also always be people who drive like zombies, totally unaware of their surroundings, oblivious to the frustration and mayhem they cause by not getting the [redacted] out of the way. And there will always be the passive aggressive, the silently belligerent, who are taking out the hall-monitor frustrations of their grade school years by deliberately not getting the [redacted] out of the way. Don’t be one of these people. Don’t let your friends be numbered among these people. Trust me, your life will be all the better for it. And the rest of us won’t need to scream [redacted] at you.
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In Massachusetts, the situation has gotten so bad that (a) the State Police are putting up signs telling people not to hang out in the left lane, which they nevertheless still don’t enforce, and (b) I *typically* (>80% of the time) pass on the right, because passing on the left is impossible.
I wonder if someone in psych should do a thesis on the kind of mindset that allows people to park themselves in the passing lane and be completely oblivious to the fact that they are inconveniencing hundreds — or, worse, thinking that they are somehow doing society a service.