Children, from an early age, are taught to “play nice” with others. They are taught manners, they are taught to respect others and their things, they are taught that sharing is caring, they are taught that you catch more flies with honey than with vinegar, they are taught all the elements of proper social behavior. Not all these lessons stick with everyone, and the various jungles that children and adolescents must survive often teach their own, often less congenial lessons. Oftentimes, those who have learned to be nice find themselves put upon by those who’ve subordinated those lessons to more aggressive or confrontational tendencies.
This is especially evident on the Internet, whether it be in social media or in comments sections of news and political sites. Just as people are often more aggressive when sheltered by their cars on the road than when they’re walking down a supermarket aisle, people on the internet often exhibit combativeness, obnoxiousness, rudeness, and overt hostility that they’d never dare even contemplate in personal interactions.
Anyone who shares an opinion on a public website is opening himself to criticism and worse. This can be quite daunting, especially for those first dipping their toes in the water, and it’s not something that gets better with time. It seems that the more one has an Internet presence, the more one is likely to draw haters and trolls. What motivates a hater can be of some interest in a voyeuristic, Mutual of Omaha fashion, but it’s less important than how we react to them.
I’ve written that the best way to manage the rude, the hateful, the aggressive and the assholish is by dismissing them, by realizing that they are strangers to whom you have no obligation to heed. You don’t know them, they don’t know you, nothing they say is rooted in any real knowledge about you, and is therefore worthless. Unlike those of your friends or people you esteem, their opinions should carry zero weight in your estimation.
This outlook can and should be taken a step further. Consider door-to-door salesmen, telemarketers, cold-callers, survey takers, panhandlers and the like. These are people who invade your space and eat up your time, either in person or on the phone. They intrude, uninvited and unwelcome, and make demands of you. Being a civilized person, you may default to cordiality and listen to what they have to say. You may, having heard what they are asking or selling, decide you are not interested, and try to politely tell them so. That never seems to work, doesn’t it. That’s deliberate – they’ve either learned or been taught not to accept the first “no,” not to reflect your politeness and congeniality, and not to give up on their pitch. Instead, they look to press, to turn you around, and to take advantage of your attempts at graciously stepping away from the interaction. They take advantage of your being a well-behaved and socially adept person.
This behavior reflects the principles that Richard Dawkins concluded will always undermine altruism: “subversion from within.” The more selfish and less-well-behaved people will leverage others’ good behavior to their own benefit. Thus, Internet haters will use aggressiveness to cow the less aggressive from defending or even offering their opinions, and aggressive salesmen will use others’ social grace to push their agendas.
Unfortunately, the only counter to such behavior is somewhat in-kind. It’s easy when on the Internet to brush off assholes, to disempower them simply by not taking the bait, to recognize that the detachment and anonymity (even when using real names) the the Internet offers not only facilitates their being assholes but also facilitates your being dismissive. It’s harder on the phone or in person, because our social upbringing makes it feel rude to shut someone else down in a hard and final way. It’s what must be done, though. If you try to tell a cold-caller you’re not interested and he persists, just hang up. Or, better yet, the moment you realize it’s a cold call, just say “No thank you, please don’t call again,” and immediately click off. If it’s personal, if it’s a solicitor at your door, just say “I’m not interested, thank you. Have a nice day,” and immediately close the door on them. In both cases, you’ve satisfied your end of the social contract by being polite, but you’ve asserted control over your time. If they persist after your dismissal, they are the ones violating the social contract, and in doing so they absolve you of the need to stick to expectations of polite behavior.
Similarly, if approached on the street, just say “No thank you” and keep walking. Same deal – you’ve honored expectations of civilized behavior, but you’ve maintained control over your life in the face of an uninvited intrusion.
That’s the key thing to remember – such are uninvited intrusions. On the internet, when you post an opinion, you should recognize that some may challenge your opinion and you may be called upon to defend it. You’ve invited responses by making comments. However, if your comments are of a civil fashion, you have not invited uncivilized retorts or attacks, and are not obligated to give time or energy to them. Same with telemarketers’ calls. You have ZERO obligation to give any unsolicited caller your time or energy. It’s also true for door-to-door salespeople, survey takers, petition collectors, Jehovah’s witnesses, donation solicitors, or panhandlers. If what they say or offer is of interest, by all means, engage them as far as you’re willing, but always remember – you remain under NO obligation to give them a moment more of your time than you wish. The fact that they’re investing their own time in their endeavor imposes no obligation or burden on you. And, when they cross the line, when they refuse your initial polite decline, they’ve formally crossed into asshole territory.
Don’t empower assholes. Keep control of your time and your mental space. You owe nothing to those who try to invade either.
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Rotersand – We Will Kill Them All – Random Is Resistance
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tO6yTsDo3IA