Catharsis, Ego, and Peril

Have you ever known someone who cheated or otherwise wrong his or her spouse or significant other, then felt that “coming clean” was the proper course of action and the way to fix things?

Me too.

The logic, I suppose, is that such honesty will demonstrate a commitment to the relationship, a regret of the bad act, an alert to the put-upon partner, a declaration that it won’t happen again, and a sort of closure.

Consider, though, that four of those five goals can easily be embraced without “coming clean.” That one can regret the bad act, vow never to do it again, re-commit to the relationship, and close it out of one’s life without revealing anything to one’s partner. That you can achieve all your personal goals simply by keeping your mouth shut.

Feel guilty for what you did? Carry the guilt, instead of sharing it and causing hurt to your partner. Vow to use that guilt to keep yourself from doing anything of the sort, ever again. For, it is only in your own heart that you know the reality of your commitment, your regret, your guilt, and your future intent.

What, really, would your sharing of your misdeed do? It will certainly hurt your partner. It will certainly drive a wedge into your relationship. It will certainly cause future distrust. In short, it’s all negatives to your significant other. Yes, you might claim that honesty is the high road, that it can be used as a stepping stone to strengthening your future together – if it survives the revelation, of course – and that your partner deserves not to be lied to. But, be honest, that’s all really to make yourself feel better, is it not? It offers you a catharsis of a sort while extending the selfishness of your bad act. And, it increases the possibility that your relationship will end.

If you truly regret your bad act, if you know that its commission would hurt your partner if he or she found out, and if you want to try and make amends, then carry the weight. Keep your mouth shut, vow to be a better person, recommit to fidelity and respect for your partner, and own the guilt, for however long you feel it. You may never get closure, you may never unburden yourself, but you should eat the punishment instead of looking to offload it.

As I noted, I’ve seen friends and acquaintances take the “come clean” path, and every single time, I’ve felt it was them being selfish at their partner’s expense. That’s an egotism that has parallels in many other aspects of our lives.

I read this same mindset as I watch people of the Left, both of personal acquaintance and public fame, engage in invective catharsis about Trump and his presidency. A recent maximum – I won’t call it a culmination because I do not believe we are anywhere near peak-OFFS – is a vulgar/profane twelve minute tirade that late-night TV host Stephen Colbert recently unleashed. Colbert’s rant elevated above the pack through a combination of audience size, individual prominence, and level of vulgarity (he declared that “the only thing [Trump’s] mouth is good for is being Vladimir Putin’s cock holster,” among other nasty morsels), but it is certainly not remotely unique in its level of vitriol. I see similar rants, typically of a more mundane and less creative quality, every day.

I get the outrage, to a degree. Trump has indeed lived up, in many ways, to Graydon Carter’s “short fingered vulgarian” branding. He has flung insults left, right, high and low. He hasn’t been “presidential” in the way of most of the office’s past holders, and he’s said and done some things that warrant spit-takes and coffee sprays. I do believe, however, that many have taken their invective too far, that some of their complaints are either unfounded or exaggerated, and that, especially now, months after the election, these rants have become about little more than egotistical catharsis, virtue-signaling, and general smugness.

What other purpose could they possibly serve, at this point? To whom are they directed? Do the inveighers expect to convert the not-already-converted by ranting? Do they think that those who are either Trump fans or not full-blown Trump haters will be coaxed to their side of the political divide with histrionics? Have they considered the possibility that this carrying-on hurts their cause and alienates some who might otherwise be shown some reason to stand with them?

No rational person should think that, at Trump’s 100 day mark, calling him “presi-dunce” and ‘prick-tator” is going to open someone’s eyes to a new perspective.

The obvious conclusion is that people who rant thus are engaging in the a version of the selfish behavior as the “come clean” person I referenced above. These rants may indeed offer catharsis and closure, but they are displays of ego above all else. They’re a way of evading the hard question:

What is it in their belief set, their politics, their approach to the nation’s politics, their interaction with their fellow citizens, and/or their policy ideas that led not only to Trump’s election, but to the 1000+ legislative losses their side has suffered these past 6 years?

Pundits like Colbert, TBS’s Samantha Bee, MSNBC’s Rachel Maddow, and actress Lena Dunham are playing to their base and catering to those who are soaking up this hyperventilation the way a parched desert will soak up the dirtiest water. They’re not the people who’ll figure out the question I posed. Nor will the current leaders of the Democratic Party, not when they continue to believe their path forward is in catering to the wild-eyed invective flingers and self-indulgent cry-in attenders. They’re not going to fix their relationship with the American people, the folks who elected Trump (and who would do so again, this time with a popular vote majority, according to recent polls), by dumping on them.

No, the way forward is for average folks to process what “went wrong,” to correct, to adjust, and most of all, to own the loss. Face it, you screwed up, you managed to lose the House in 2010, the Senate in 2014, the White House in 2016 (to Trump! FFS!), and 12 governorships. You held 59% of the state legislative houses in 2008, now you hold 31%. You may utterly dominate the media and Hollywood, but you alienated the Rust Belt and Middle America.

You may think that you can simply hang onto your smug, your condescension and your insults, wait for Trump to implode and waltz back into the White House in 2020. You may even think that, despite the terrible Senate electoral map you are facing in 2018, you’ll make Congressional gains and maybe even take back one of the houses. But, didn’t you coast on such assumptions going into this election? How did that work out?

And, haven’t you had enough time to vent, purge, expectorate, egest, etc? At what point is it enough? And, and what point do you actually engage in the political process instead of doing what you’ve been doing?

Oh, I know, there’s the “resistance” movement, there’s the Pink Pussy Hat Project, there are protest marches, and so forth. But, from where I sit, on my libertarian bench, munching on my bucket of popcorn, I see lots of show-off and little to no substance. What are the policy changes that will draw people back to the Democratic Party, and away from the populist shift that elected Trump? It is the definition of insanity to continue doing the same thing and expecting different results, and it is egotistical foolishness to believe that cursing, whining, insulting and venting is a legitimate political strategy.

Nations generally don’t do well under single-party rule. Moderating influences are weaker, the loudest and most extreme voices are heeded and emboldened in an escalating cycle, and the nation as a whole tends to suffer. It’s not good for the nation to have a Democratic Party that’s way off to the left and only interested in no-budge obstruction and a Republican Party that’s therefore not induced to compromise (as to that – the GOP seems to be its own worst enemy at the moment, but as such it’s proving that single-party rule produces bad results. Consider, the trillion dollar spending bill they just passed). The Dems need to get their shit together, and act like a party that wants to be involved in the nation’s politics. To do so, they need to own their failures rather than carry on as they have been.

Egotistical outbursts like Colbert’s may fill you with hoo-rah joy, but they do nothing to help your prospects. Realize the peril of the smug, eat a slice of humble pie, and demonstrate your commitment to an actual relationship with your fellow citizens on the other side of the aisle And, yes, that means you’re going to have to change. If you don’t, accept that you’re acting as you do because you have no interest in that relationship, and don’t be surprised when others simply tune you out. And, don’t be surprised when Trump gets re-elected.