One of the commercials shown during this year’s Super Bowl was a “hurt feelings” bit about throwing like a girl. The commercial made the point that, in saying certain things, even without ill intent, can hurt others’ feelings. Setting aside the over-sensitivity that this explosion of political correctness and anti-bullying rhetoric has empowered (if society tells someone that he can get sympathy by declaring that others hurt their feelings, he’s more likely to make that declaration), lets consider why society has suddenly decided that people (children especially) need to be instructed regarding the hurt feelings of others.
Nowadays, many parents would rather hover over their kids, telling their kids 1000 times not to touch a hot stove, than allow them to touch it once and learn a lesson they’re not soon to forget. Some do so out of overprotectiveness, others do so because of the non-trivial fear that some government do-gooder might find out their kid burned his finger and descend upon their home with righteous wrath and the seemingly infinite power of government. That’s certainly part of the story – parents are more loath to allow their kids to learn by experience than they used to be. Kids are also far more closely managed than they used to be, and while that management gives parents more opportunity to observe and look to correct bad behaviors, it has the counterproductive and possibly counterintuitive side effect of absolving kids of responsibility. If there are adults around and a kid says something rotten to another kid, he’s less likely to get full pay-back, and more likely to feel he can get away with it again in the future. But, there’s more to consider.
The comedian Louis C.K. does (or did) a bit about how he doesn’t (or didn’t) allow his children access to social media. His logic: A child that insults another child face-to-face experiences real-time feedback from that other child – whether it be a response, a look of hurt, tears or some other indication that what he or she said or did invoked a reaction in the other child. Contrast that with social media, where, even in the high-speed world of youngsters on Facebook, Twitter, Snapchat or a host of other sites, feedback, when it comes at all, is partial, filtered and/or remote. The emotional element of feedback is muted, and the child is less likely to get that instant gut-level “wow, what I did hurt that other person” reaction.
So, it may very well be that this organized and systematic anti-bullying meme that we’ve been bombarded by over the past few years is not only a response to over-nannying and helicopter parenting, but also a response and (over?)reaction to modern technology and the disconnect between people that it has fostered. Insulating children from real-time feedback and protecting them from potential adverse consequences for their actions may be the root cause of the systematic and structured behavioral messaging that is swamping society today. Insulating children also redirects and misdirects their responses. Rather than respond directly, and learn from that response, they either don’t have an opportunity to respond, respond “outside the moment” and thus lose the immediate impact of the rebuttal, or run to authority figures for redress of grievances. None of these are as effective, and none teach the skills or offer the experiences that help one get through life.
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